So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
I wish they had a "No Yankees" filter on status updates.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
dream priorities were more important than voting today. don't tell me you wouldn't keep going back to sleep to find out who would win a fight between oprah and godzilla
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
My head. My head is the problem. Also alcoholism.
Just gave my liver a good luck and I'm sorry speech
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
That's why you bone lesbian cage fighters and 45 year olds. To make life less boring.
I cut myself stripping on your car. Probably a profession I shouldn't pursue
I'll never get why we had to sing the entire full house theme to the cab driver.... never drinking rum again.
Whip out the absinthe and the taquitos, this motherfucker just passed the bar.
You pretty much lost your mind. Your ego has gotten ten time the size of your balls.
If TJ is short for Trader Joe, I'm gonna fuck him
I need someone to sew my vagina shut until I'm responsible enough to use it
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