you just love her because she lets you bang her with fruits and veggies!
People kept wishing me happy birthday last night. apparently i was 21st birthday drunk
just took my abortion antibiotic with my martini. i no longer wonder how i got into this situation.
Just had to explain to the nurse WHERE I have poison ivy. Great Day
Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club
It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
he's such a nice guy...he deserves a bigger dick.
I kept my extra Molly pill in my wallet in the change part, that's also where I keep my body jewelry while I'm working. The nose ring punctured the pill essentially coating itself in MDMA. My nose ring is back in my nose. This could be entertaining
Randomize
