My brain says no but my pants say off.
shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.
Olympics start in one day, that gives us 24hrs to think of gold medal worthy drinking games
I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.
True on all accounts.
Im laying on the couch wishing someone was here to pour wine in my mouth. I need an alcohol IV
She just shoved like three McNuggets in her mouth and started sobbing and I have no idea what's going on.
This is a sacred holiday in the land of the free! I do what I want!
Shame?!? Shame only comes from getting naked in front of strangers and it not being awesome
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.
I don't fucking know. I'm out stimulating the economy. Not locked in a room with a marker board.
Oh at the liquor store again?
He's a drill sergeant! The sadomasochist in me can't resist that.
You want further proof that God hates me? Okay. We're on the way to the ER. A homeless man stabbed me at the gas station.
Randomize
