You don't get off work for this? I feel genuinely bad for you.
I'll have a beer when I get into the office. Yes, I hide beer in my work frige.
No it only became awkward when she walked in with her new boyfriend and we realized we'd all banged her
when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.
then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack
She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.
In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.
she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion
My final act is to send you this message. I love you. Tell my family that I love them. Except my dad. Tell him I said "Eh..." while rocking your hand side to side. And tell Tim that I will always love the idea of him. Tell Caleb I love him so. Take care of Miss Kitty Fantastico. Tell the world that I will watch over. Good bye. I love you.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
Every time I start to think he's just not worth the trouble, he puts his face down there and I wanna buy him a car
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
lets face it, we have a liquor cabinet with a designated chocolate shelf
Let’s be real here. NOTHING says Real Adulting like rolling a J on your line of credit paperwork.
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