I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.
oh good, I think they're gone
the painters?
my herpes
capt morgan doesn't hurt if you honestly believe it's golden flavored kool-aid.
i know, but like... i wanna be a CLASSY i'm-stealing-your-date kind of slutty...
Drunk fuck. Had to tell him that the 5 second rule does not apply when your in the bathroom at the hockey game.
the day after is always just damage control
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
can't blv i tried using a "backpack" as a unit of measurement...i drank a lot of beer last night
don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties
Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??
Jesus christmas you are like the Martha Stewart of threeway planning
Of course I fucked him. He's a professional beat boxer, his entire job is to do complicated shit with his tongue.
My theory is if i keep drinking, evolution will kick in and I will grow a bigger, faster, and more improved liver by January.
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
