in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.
Apparently he doesn't remember leaving the bar
If I spent $100 at the bar and didn't get laid I wouldn't want to remember anything either
that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...
We found him pissing on the sidewalk in his socks signing the national anthem. I love you summer.
Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.
So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking
how did that work out?
Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
He just asked me to pee through my panties while he watched. I might need more tequila for this one.
Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy
Order is debatable
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
a guy just skateboarded past my window in a bunny suit while chased by a dog walker
All that stuff they told us in middle school about drugs being easy to find was a bullshit lie.
If I make it through this whole bridesmaid process without anyone knowing that I actually hate everyone but the bride, including the groom, I deserve a complimentary bottle of vodka.
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