I love how my brain works. It's like being on drugs without the costly upkeep.
i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently
so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass
Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"
Just bought a McDouble with a tightly rolled dollar. The lady just gave me a sad face...
I'm seeing how long I can hold this wine in my mouth. I have so many adventures! I'm like Teddy Ruxpin!
Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.
You suck at answering, but you did manage to avoid a fun conversation about hemorrhoids. So maybe you're great at answering.
You left a bit of molly on the table and my mom found it. She asked what it was, I said "not drugs"
She believed me because "leaving that much behind on the table would be a waste so obviously it's not drugs."
How many nights in 2015 can we have no one get injured, run away crying, or get into a brawl?
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
So I justmade it back home and was greeted to a squirrel in my dorm... Last time I let my friends rent it out for a party.
Woke up next to my vibrator and a recipe for fudge brownies. If that doesn't scream I NEED TO GET LAID, then I don't know what else could.
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