There's a Cowboys game and a Rangers game on at the same time...talk about Sophie's choice
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?
DOWN HORMONES. BACK.
I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.
OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.
I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.
Speaking of fellatio on fictional characters, the Stay Puft Marshmallow Man would be a delicious blowjob.
You just kept stroking his beard and thinking aloud that you wanted to rub your face all over it.
I woke up hugging a box of cheerios that had "wonder woman" written in sharpie on it. So much for a sober night.
I woke up with a dread of barbecue sauce in my hair. Drunk munchies makes me a disgusting person.
He just said "I know you want my cock" and I said nah. I want food bro
He and I didn't so much date, as watch cartoons and go down on each other.
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Randomize
