So, I woke up to an empty bottle of scotch and a dead car. The last thing I remember are the strippers being mad at me. Awesome night.
Feels good to be wearing underwear again though...
i'm waiting for the less fat version of him to text me
You know when its a good night when you have to be reminded IHOP is a family establishment.
You got my ass fired just for knowing you
thanks for the bacon
I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.
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it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.
Then you better bring Starbucks and a box of condoms in the morning.
Oh shit. This is getting real.
My dick pics could make it to the popular page on Instagram.
You kept insisting you found queso that's better than oral sex
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Thank you for listening to my rant about tacos.
Only great wives bring your dope to you when you are at the Cardiologist
I even put my vibrators back in the bedroom instead of the coffee table. If that's not growing up then I don't know what is.
We almost got stabbed in the nuts last night. Don't worry, we're alright.
i had fun fun last night, with the exception of you running over my foot with your car. makes a great story for my first one night stand.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
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