I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
We were in the backseat and he was giggling uncontrolably. It felt like I was giving head to a 10 year old girl.
So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?
I have teeth marks. Like distinct upper and lower jaw.
Yeah me too. My shoulder looks rabid.
Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me
Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me
Text me when you wake up so I know you're ok. It's really worrisome to get home at this hour and find 3 men passed out in my room but no you. Love you, goodnight. :-)
Getting stoned at work has never been a good idea, but im always more than willing to give it another chance
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
You were doing bacon vodka shots and chasing them with barbecue sauce. You're officially fucking disgusting. I love you.
I just got a girl to make out with me just by saying "get at me." Get at me
Are you playing pokemon in the dark and sexting? I can't be mad at that.
Randomize
