she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation
Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.
I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.
woke up on my stairs with half a hot dog beside me and the last text I sent was "i make hot dog in toasTer" .
nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends
Now she's making me sit here and look at pictures of guys she likes who look like bears. She's calling them her bear friends.
I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much
Or stump rather since he's possibly large. Large penises don't have tips, just blunt ends of battering rams.
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
Figured out how to triple bathroom speed at #lollapalooza.. Girl squats, guy 1 goes between her, guy 2 uses urinal. Your welcome.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
I’ve lost count of how many disciplines of science this conversation about Harry Potter has gone through.
You almost got us killed.
YOU’RE WELCOME FOR NAVIGATING YOU TO A ONCE IN A LIFETIME EXPERIENCE.
Apparently I have a "problem" because I enjoy doing bong rips in the shower
I smell like beef jerky
That's among the sexiest things you've ever said to me.
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