She transformed our coors light pitcher we stole from the bar into a fruit basket...
He left an unopened 12 pack of beer by my bed. I guess that's his way of saying thanks for the sex..
you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.
ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...
no it doesn't.
DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.
Also, I'm going to yoga because I have a Taylor Swift range of emotions right now.
Dropping acid was like seeing the whole world as a blank canvas to imagine anything I wanted.
And apparently all you wanted was to watch the sun explode and me take 60,000 dicks to the face.
I need a costume for that party. Even if I'm just taking it off.
So I bought that bathing suit yesterday and got buyers remorse so I returned it today and then stole it. Win win.
Who the fuck stole my fridge again
I bet I give better head than any other PTA mom.
i didnt realize that your first thought would be SEXUALIZING BREAD
She shit herself again. We're calling her the "Queen of Sharts".
Randomize
