I am at a striph cluv. They are ovealls everywhere. I have hot rock botto.
tonight lets celebrate not being married
i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised
At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.
Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).
your mascara is on the toilet seat from when you fell asleep last night
that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
I fail to see the problem of enjoying a glass of wine while I poop...
the point I'm tryimg to make is that you didn't need to take the whole box in with you
if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
I fell asleep in my underwear on the deck. What the fuck.
This was the best text I've ever woken up to
Yeah. I couldn't figure out why my toes hurt. Apparently, the guy I was dancing with, kept running them over with his wheelchair.
I tried to have a quickie with him at the company happy hour. I think I need to quit my job.
I feel bad for her. If you sacrifice and have a chubby husband I feel that you assume he's not going to cheat on you....
Why am I sleeping on top of the fridge?
You were playing hide and seek with the dog. she couldn't find you and you passed out.
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