I've spent 9 hours vomitting in the fetal position... how did i stay like this for 9 months?
left comments onEVRY SINGLE1of my posts n status updates.Im done dating freshmen
hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.
You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Nice. I ate a jello shot out of a bovine blow up doll's love hole last night
Dude, sorry for live texting you my binge drinking. If you'd like me to do the same for my hangover, I can share that I just had to sit down while q-tipping my ears.
Well im sitting on a futon on a porch at 1:30 in the afternoon drinking boxed wine out of a pint glass next to a chick with a homemade neckbrace. What do you think?
"I wasn't planning on buying a chicken, but I bought it anyway." --some guy on the bus with a chicken
"Yeah, I only have nine toes." --that same guy
I woke up on top of his counter next to a pot of boiling water and an empty package of ramen... what happened to the ramen, we will never know.
I'M CUDDLING WITH MY CAT AND THAT GUY SENT ME A DICK PIC. UNANNOUNCED DICK PICS ARE TERRIFYING AND MY CAT WILL NEVER BE THE SAME
I'm gonna be the best dressed mother fucker to ever get kicked out of that damn bar.
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I miss my teeeeeeeeth. They're in a bag in my hand.
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
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