I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today
She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.
Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married
Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.
For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays
Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
My booty call just moved 2 min from my house
This has pregnancy written all over it
Almost caused a huge accident on the highway because I was distracted by how orange the road barrels were
I feel like I hate him but his dick too bomb to hate completely
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
This sucks! All of the twenty something dick I was getting went home when the university closed
Randomize
