Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha
i just woke up at 8pm naked in my bed, with a fresh haircut. I wonder what barber i went to.
Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
did you dip my ponytail in franzia? its the only thing i can think of to explain my hair right now.
I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left
Sunday is the day of rest.
As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.
On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.
She just pored wine down the turkeys hole and said that she christened it like the whore that it is...happy thanksgiving.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
I made out with a guy who was dressed as Borat
And like a minute in, I was like oh fuck what am I doing
Did you run away?
I DANCED AWAY.
I promise that I won't shotgun beers with your boyfriend this time, Scouts Honor.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
Not going to lie, when I looked in the tub I expected to see what might have been remnants of a squirrel.
I just want a guy who makes lots of money, has a skilled penis and the sex drive of a 22 year on Viagra. Is that too much to ask?
Randomize
