I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.
Why? Who won?
we don't know. we ran out of oranges.
I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie
I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
blow job with a beer in the shower, I just created the ultimate day spa for dudes
so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.
on the subway to an interview & there's a dude doing whippits out of a cheese wil can
i love when the champions come out to play im bringin the shock collar this weekend
I found him stumbling up to our building with a solo cup under his arm. . . He told me it was his favourite thing ever. He also told me hes never been drunk before.
I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.
I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?
Who knew there were so many rules and judgements about laying on a kitchen floor. I'm all like I'm resting. It just happens to be on a kitchen floor.
It makes showers more interesting trying to drink a gin and tonic and keep soap out of my eyes at the same time.
You need to calm down.
I finally got my restraining order in the mail. Was that supposed to upset me? I'm just over here like "TELLEM BOY BYE!-\nlegally..."
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
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