Drunk x Brooklyn = problems getting home. If I don't make it you can have my computer and my bitches. You're welcome.
my 12 year old sister just told me how admirable it was that i felt comfortable going out with my friends dressed "like that"
Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.
Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.
Saw a sign earlier "Domino's Lava Cakes $3.00" and I thought of you. This text brought to you by thing I don't need to know about your sex life.
...then she kept trying to make balloon animals with my flacid penis. I'm never drinking whisky with you again.
I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.
I AM TEN TEQUIA SHOOTS ON AND I JUST SAW SOMEONE DO A BODY SHOT OFFF OF JESUS
THIS FEELS SO WROG AND OH SO RIGHT
I just saw a herd of slutty loofahs run down the street...
There are only four things in life that are certain. 1 Death, 2 Taxes, 3 The wu tang clan aint nothin to fuck with, and 4 you will never be more important than taco bell
How the fuck you gonna play love don't cost a thing in a strip club?
But I did spend part of my morning scrubbing your cum off my grandmothers piano.
HIS NAME IN MY PHONE IS JOSHUA DREAMCHASER I CAN NOT
NO SHAME NOVEMBER
It's just unfortunate that I still have the image of him having sex with me fresh in my mind
i fucked his best friend. once right next door to him. i'm pretty sure that could be called sweet revenge.
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