You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
So Delta doesn't take cash. I used my card to buy a drink and asked the attendant if she could leave it open.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.
Pre-crushing the pills for tomorrow morning. This way I can sleep in an extra 10 minutes.
The fact that I pulled something plastic out of my mouth after taking that shot is starting to concern me.
You drunk dialed me and told me to jump out of my second story window so I could give you head. I almost considered it.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.
Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
She said pants are for pussies while spooning peanut butter onto her frosted flakes with a serving spoon. She's not even high yet.
Thanks for being my best friend so I can use you as an alibi to my family while I'm out getting some dick in my face.
I knew you were on something when you said you were a puppy and you ate all the frosty Paws dog ice cream which says not for human consumption right on the side of it.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
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