I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"
One of my residents in my hall just found my positive pregnancy test from last year I hid behind the fridge, I'm just going to tell them it was for a science project.
I come back into the room and you're grinding with the person in the mascot suit.
I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up
I don't want to have to force feed him my vagina!!
he was once again the drunkest girl at the party
I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave
OH MY GOD IT'S LIKE SHOOTING FISH IN A BARREL, EXCEPT INSTEAD OF FISH THEY ARE FIGHTER PILOTS
Heard you had a bad day. I have vodka, chocolate and my dick here ready to put a smile back on your face.
I just tried to pay for a coffee with a dollar and a necco wafer.
He just kept mumbling that he was too drunk for society and then he peed in a bush
Woke up in a car, do you own a silver car parked a few miles form the house...hope so
Don't let me pee the bed... Its going to be one of those weekends
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Randomize
