My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.
I need to stop coming to work sober
i was so high last night while i was driving i felt like i was riding a bike with no pedals
I wish they had a home preganacy test, but for STDs
I'm returning our mountain of beer cans, while wearing a Budweiser sweatshirt. i don't look like an alcoholic.
I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.
Food Network. Taking bong rips everytime we want to eat. BOBBY FLAY.
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Saw a guy throw up on himself while walking, drinking, and singing all at the same time. Hope your night is going better than his :)
Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.
You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare
She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!
I asked if he wanted to sext and he just started sending me pictures of his beard.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
Still stoned. I like your bong. It can stay. No others, though.