u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
Yea went to the bars and he called me 2 hours later with random people saying he is at a place that i don't think exists
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee
Satisfying Perfect Camera Moments
We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her
My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.
omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had
hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
This Dog Travel Carrier is a Must
An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.
We need a fire pit. Meat. And a keg.I mean like a cow we just carve from. And cook it. We can use the milk from the udder to make White Russians
But idk if I cried about life then banged him or banged him and then cried. Chicken or the egg?
He stole me a cantaloupe and we drunkenly broke into a park and ate it on a bench with my pocket knife. I think i need to marry him
did u drive by my house last night?
bc if that wasn't you i threw my bourbon bottle at the wrong van
Last night I crashed my housemates tinderdate, smoked his weed and then left. He felt too awkward to say no.#Empowerment