I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market
Just bored and untired. I want to be in Austin. At college. Drinking someone elses alcohol. Am I asking too much of life?
Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.
it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there
she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.
My phone really needs to stop auto correcting "library" to "ovary".
its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics
Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?
I always "accidentally" drop a condom and make sure she sees it's a magnum. By the time I'm inside her and she realizes how small I am, it's all over in a flash and I'm done. Plus, they never call back so I never have to see the girl ever again. #gratefulforprematuretinypenis
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
who sends a dick pic at 3 am on a sunday honestly
seriously. and now it'll take him hours to clean up the glitter
you're hired as official boob wrangler
Imma make him fuck me with my jersey on tonight while I chant Go Jets Go. Gotta love playoff hockey szn.
I will give him this, every time we go to the club he gets a stripper's actual number.
It doesn't matter if it's only been 3 days since you last changed your sheets. If your fuck buddy comments on how your bed smells like sex, it's time to change them again.
Randomize
