After work we went home to fool around. Turns out he had sawdust under his foreskin. I'm never going down on him again.
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.
OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?
Some girl just walked passed me, said "fuck yeah!" and is now crawling up the stairs
Eight drinks in. Subject is fondling chips before eating them. Intoxicated texting has expanded from best friend to random guy I met in FBLA.
If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.
I'm just trying to find the strength to put my bra back on and come inside
I just spent the better half of my Friday night alone, naked eating McDonalds. Not my worst start of a new year
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Just in case you forgot, last night you came home drunk and pissed all over my laptop. You owe me a laptop.
How the hell do you misplace a bag of tacos in a closet?
I dipped out before he woke up, but I made sure to take the pizza with me.
I've decided if you aren't here in fifteen minutes I'm leaving you for Mario the 75 year old Colombian bartender.
When was the last time you got laid?
When was the last time you came home sober?
touche
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