hotel room ftw
bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away
isn't bella the cat???
that she is
you definitely have a few illegitimate kids
probs. Not too worried about it though. MOst girls are too embarrassed that they let me into their pants that they'll never admit its mine
I just had my first uncircumcised penis. I kept staring at it like the foreskin was going to fall off on its own.
i feel as if its time to shave my pubes but i should wait until before the party. nobody likes a sloppy drunk girl with a stubble-crotch.
story of my life.
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?
Literally just had a girl put her street name into my phone. Yeah.
Sex in your truck helped me start regaining feeling in my jaw. Thanks!
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
Cocaine is ok on a cleanse, right?
She asked what the dent on the hood of my car was from..i think she knows we had sex up there
Im sober enough to understand what people are saying but drunk enough to understand its hilarious
I'm too depressed to drink my wine. That is what I would call a serious problem
It was just a hint of nipple. I kept it classy!
Do you even hear yourself?
Randomize
