we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier
not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.
Vaginas are confusing as hell with all their secret compartments and shit.
I'll get my vaginal cartography poster.
We should probably avoid doing this again, but hey it was a nice one time thing to tell the grandkids about... Hopefully they don't end up being YOUR grandkids.
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I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
My shirt is ruined. If I ever get the idea of doing a tequila shot through my nose ever again, shoot me.
He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Well to me, someone is not really my friend until we go to a mcdonalds drunk at 4am. It's like a right of passage
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Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I dare you to find another dealer that delivers bud to your home along with deep fried vegan burritos
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
I just put vagisil on my bug bites how do you think my morning is going
Uhm... Found a ziploc bag... In the freezer. Sam, thought it was lemonade. Why did you make frozen piss at my house, again?
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
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