All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.
he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.
Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!
Basically, what i'm trying to say is, if you don't have something, excuse or gift, to satisfy my anger i am going to look you in the eye and piss on the floor.
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
By the time the opening band finished, she was already slurring, coming on to the gay couple next to us, and waving her panties in the air.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
Life's too short to be sucking dicks in cars for the rest of my life.
First time for everything: started posting a Facebook comment, decided I'm not quite sober enough. Progress.
When you have to have Siri remind you that you're on your period cuz you're so drunk you keep forgetting about tampons it might be time to call it a night.
You'll be like the drunk Paul Bunyan someday with a giant grey cat
He took my necklace off while we were 69ing. His tongue never stopped moving either. Take that, guys who can't figure out how bras work.
You were crying hysterically
So that's why my heels were in the oven...
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