Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
I just asked my hair stylist how many percocets she'd do my hair for.
Poopin on the sidewaaalllkkk. I wish my text told you that was a song
I feel like I would bang a guy with a dick piercing just to say I have...like climbing a huge mountain or somethig
There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
What shirt can I wear out that says 'I may have a broken arm, but it's not the one I give handjobs with'?
So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.
I punted my pants across my apt at my roommate last night. Everything else is kinda fuzzy.
My liver and my bank account can't afford another all nighter. Help.
Not gonna make it. My ovaries are playing laser tag
He suffocated between her tits, but she didn't notice because he still came.
Now we just need to figure out why your underwear was in your bra
I'm not 100 percent on this, but I think I just shit a lump of cement. What the fuck happened last night?
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
