My birth control alarm just woke me up from my dream where I was pregnant. Thank god.
My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
U took a sewing needle to his nipple
Psshh,
We bonded over the fact that we each, separately, got arrested on the same weekend.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
I sent him a cookie cake that said "Congratulations you're not a father"
I know him enough to fuck him but not enough to give him advice.
I need to stop agreeing to hang out with people when I'm drunk.
George Washington did not fight for our freedom just to have people shit themselves all night
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
If you find my integrity anywhere, please tell it to come back home
I am drunk and aggressive about the olympixs
It's spelled Olympics
You sat outside petting a picture of your cat for hours... not even the real thing... just a picture.
Randomize
