Reasons why i shouldn't be drunk and upset: i'm going to a boy's
its like his balls were made of silver and he was trying to polish the tarnish off
everything is bigger in texas. Including my drinking problem.
anyone who buys me chipotle gets an automatic hj
Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.
there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again
The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving
Throwing up out both ends. This is not how I pictured adulthood.
We had sex in the morning in pregnant lady position. Like fuck me like the hott piece of ass that I am, not your wife of 7 years.
This dude is trying to sext and all I can think about is taco bell and their new crunch wrap sliders
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
It’s easy for me to be professional, the tough part is finding the perfect amount of bitchy undertone
I just found a baklava I forgot I got last night so we can call it a day
Yea and there’s destruction when we’re together, mostly of our livers but W/e
Just realized that I indirectly pay for sex through my cable bill
Wow. He is an expensive lay
I still have to figure out the cost per lay. It could be a financially sound investment
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