the smoke from my cigarette strangely resembles what patrick swayzes ghost will look like.
when your hometown is famous for abortion clinic bombings, hurricanes, and jude law's newest bastard, its probably time to move.
three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.
I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
Do you think county jail has a Groupon?
Cops are just so fun an beautifuk
It's called hot rabbit the party if he asks the password is "careful" don't ask
Tune in tm morning for how to buy Plan B in a foreign country while coming down off ecstasy
We could have mediocre awkward sex or mediocre stunted/awkward/uncomfortable banter. The possilities are relatively finite
Puke-y regrets or just things-seem-far-away regrets?
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I was drunk in the shower and i decided to shave. Im now bleeding to death
I'm at the fucking ritz Carlton and I would leave here to cuddle with her. Not even fuck, just cuddle. What th hell is wrong with me?
I think it's called love, bro
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