she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.
i tried to get you to come inside, but you insisted on throwing up in the flowers "because they're pretty."
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer
We got the possum out of our house. We built a maze with our empty kegs and chased it with brooms.
Well pretty sure I lost 3 of my best friends in one week. Remember when I said I wasn't sure if I was gonna be a better person or a more despicable one in 2012. Despicable wins.
no dude I'm not doing anything bad to her...remember she's always the DD she has blackmail material on literally all of us
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
Come make me food. I feel like if I go in the kitchen I will just get Gin.. and pass out in there.
I will expect an hourly check text to confirm you are alive and that you aren't dead in a ditch somewhere with a hobo dry humping your corpse
I've made a single handle of rum last like three weeks and my mom hasn't even acknowledged it.
pls come over. need ride to hospital once taquitos are ready
It's very disconcerting to wake up and she is gone. I never know where she could be. It's like playing wheres Waldo but Waldo could potentially be drunk and wandering around in weird places that normal Waldo's don't go.
Randomize
