i just overheard my mom tell my dad he should drink less so he could hit the right hole
Dude, she's so old there's a chalk outline where her reproductive organs used to be.
just landed in detroit. Currently holding a bag of my own vomit. neighbor told me it was the most graceful vom she has ever seen. Kicking off bar exam week in style.
i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..
I heard from multiple reliable sources that she doesn't have a gag reflex. Of course I'm going to try to go home with her.
i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...
Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.
The barista asked if I wanted my drink wet or dry, but all that came to mind was farts. You have ruined me.
Apparently blowing a .28 for a cop and then kissing her on the mouth is technically assaulting a police officer. Who knew.
We were messing around at his place it was going fine until he said, "I'm going to cum, hand me the shot glass"
Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
he kept insisting he didn't have my number, so i called his phone and my number came up as "yeaaaaaaaaah!"
Randomize
