Hoooooo maaaaan
Yes?
I'm retarded. Again.
She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.
We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy
Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.
maybe i'll make good life choices and keep my legs closed. periodically txt me friday and saturday night saying "baby carrot round 2" that should stop me.
note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Things in my bed this morning: a Waffle House hat, a finding nemo DVD, sharpies, my graduation robes and an adult diaper. Did we play drunk scavenger hunt again?
The thing about being single is like Sunday morning sex is nice but so is Sunday morning eating Nutella from the jar in your underwear
Let's just say if my bucket list had "fngered in the middle of a club by a complete stranger while being sprayed by UV paint" then that is well and truly ticked off.
he asked me why I let you steal the gnome, and you jumped out of the bathroom, yelled "you know why!" and ran outside with said gnome
Randomize
