this girl ate taco bell on my bed naked last night, it was the sexiest thing ive ever seen
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
Yes she was blowing me but I couldnt see her face. The only light was from the sparklers she asked me to hold. I love 4th of July.
I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'
I spent most of the stoned conversation with my dad proving to him that the Newfoundland is an actual dog and NOT a Snuffaluffagus-esque figment of my stoned imagination, while laughing over the fact there is actually a place caller Dildo, Canada. Have YOU taken time to be a good dad today?
I love getting kicked out of places. Its like winning a little league game
How does one acquire holy water?
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
this weekend took five years off my life and what was left of my dignity
Nothing like being naked and confused and clutching a scented candle...at least I woke up in my own bed though.
Do you think if I explain to her I want to have loud, unprotected sex with her sister she'll understand?
I love it when strippers help me get other strippers numbers.
Randomize
