Thanks for making me watch you dance provacatively by yourself in the bathroom so you could see if you looked fat.
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
forgot a fork. i am eating fettucini alfredo with a comb that i rinsed off the the bathroom sink. eating alone in my car. life doesn't get any sadder than this
I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.
You didn't see us wave? How could you not? We were all going like 10mph screaming at you. We were stoned and didnt wanna run over pedestrians
Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?
First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?
Slow dancing with the chandelier.
Can I bring some rope too? It's not too early for bondage talk, is it?
Your vase full of piss was still at his house and he still doesn't know.
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
You have all semester to unpack your car, quarter jello shots only last until 10.
Well I'm sorry I assumed you were a human and that humans have the capability to forget sometimes.
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
This is why I love being gay. I could never afford that much birth control.
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