i'm going to be one of those im-wearing-a-shirt-as-a-dress girls today. dont make fun of me, i need laid
we ended up doing shots out of those medicine cups..swine flu finally did something good for me
My workout was carrying 2 cases home from the grocery. It's Bowl Week.
Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.
I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?
Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?
I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.
Everything was cool until I tried to photo bomb those Hells Angels, then it's all a blank
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
My parents woke me up at noon to tell me my maid had found my clothes strewn all over the neighborhood
Your ability to whip out your dick and take a pic anytime I text you is startling.
he came during what was supposed to be the foreplay blowjob. there goes my evening.
You know that feeling when you wake up and your whole body just smells like a penis?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
He asked me to come stay with him so he could "see that ass and watch Harry Potter."
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
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