and everytime i fart i feel like in your heart, you can hear it
I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...
mom just told me i had to find a fake by next wednesday.
I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"
Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.
Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD
Bring the cards this coming weekend. If I'm not here I died skydiving Friday
she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?
Dude she broke four ribs, how does a 110 lb girl break four of my ribs during sex?! It hurts so bad but was so worth it
It took me fifteen minutes to go from puking on my doorstep infront of my old lady neighbor to legit presentable person able to care for children. Bronzing powder and I deserve an award.
What did you two do last night and why did Sam send me a picture of your dick?
He somehow always manages to get me naked within 5 minutes of being together. It's like fucking witchcraft.
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
We stood outside the room listening to them have sex and making meow noises
That's not right, is it?
Randomize
