I'm already going to be stripping so like pretty much you would just be watching me. Also we're watching twilight. again.
I woke up with ten beers in my bag that hoarded at the party last night. Rally? Its five somewhere.
My doctor just informed me that my food allergies qualify me for a medical marijuana license. I get it on Tuesday. It won't help at all, but my life is awesome!
he pulled a hernia and i had to get the morning after pill. you tell me how our valentines day went.
At the T-Rex bar with my nephew...only in Disney can I have a beer and a soda at the bar with a 4 year old
his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"
there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Found a Safeway Deli Sandwich in the shower this morning... Perhaps the 9th beer was unnecessary.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
i'm pretty sure i can feel a baby kicking just looking at him. if he didnt impregnate you, you officially have an iron-clad uterus.
My dad's girlfriend is driving through the snow to bring me my purple haze. If he doesn't wife her up, we have a bigger issue on our hands.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
You weren't singing into a microphone in front of an audience. You were screaming into your fist in the check-out aisle in Walmart.
Randomize
