The bars here don't close until 4!
my legs don't close until 4
even in the morning, she still thinks my british accent is real.
someone, somewhere in austin has to have a muppet
Is it because I queefed?
He said we were driving the golf cart through the woods screaming 'iceroad truckers' for four hours in the dark
dude your girlfriend is running naked down the hall with a raw chicken taped to her stomach saying this is what I'll look like pregnant...run far far away
What's a nice way of saying "You fell asleep, and I got bored, so I made out with your brother"?
You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.
And, through a series of unfortunate events, I am at my grandmothers birthday party in a short dress and no underwear
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
Well at least I will forever be known as the girl he ate out on the lifeguard stand while people walked by. On the first date.
You like that 95% of the time I masterbate I think bout you?
Just wanna know what I can I do to earn the other 5%
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
so you might not believe this but he made a powerpoint. and gave you a 3.5/10.
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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