I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.
Would you want me to push you down the stairs OR throw you a baby shower?? Real talk
We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.
And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.
My parents called me out on catching us walking home from the bar in a swimming motion because "it was too windy to walk" home...
Can we please get through at least one night out when you DON'T threaten to have sex with one of my parents?!?!
This is irresponsible on your part, leaving me alone in a bar.
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Dude I broke her toilet blowing some dude. I wasn't going to turn down the 300$ he offered to fix it.
It was a "my chaser needed a chaser" kind of night
I just found a grey hair. On my nipple. Fuck you too, Mother Nature.
There's just something so liberating about drinking a beer with no pants on
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Hey before you quit, let me sell drugs to your boss at least one more time
Stoner thoughts are the only thoughts I want to have now.
Randomize
