I had a wet dream about my mom last night. words can't even begin to discribe how scarred I am. what. the. fuck.
I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.
About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.
My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.
I voted for him because his wife supports his raging sex life.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!
Evvvvvveryone knows we hooked up in the DJ booth. People call it the BJ booth now. I've created a legacy
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
that's what I'm here for. I'm literally just bad advice mixed with motivational sentences.
Being an adult can't be all bad. I just took a vacation day solely to sit around and get stoned
I woke up in his closet, with my shirt inside out and backwards, Rolos in my hand, a tortilla with a face carved into it stuck to the fridge with a magnet, a homemade bong next to the bed, and the door off the hinges... I need a chaperone.
For someone I see at the bar by herself all the time... I should have know she had a tazer.
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