oh well we may not be friends on facebook but at least i got laid
i would rim the shit out of meg ryan
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
is it bad that I only want to go to my boyfriends house bc I want to see his roomate walk around with his shirt off?
We've reached that awkward stage of the relationship where he's in love with me when he's drunk, but sober him is still afraid of commitment.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
I shouldn't be home alone with this much peanut butter and the dog. I feel like i'm being recorded to see when my desperation will peak.
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
Half of my brain feels like I donated it to science and they basically just poured jack Daniels on it and put out cigarettes into it before returning it to my skull
Who knew you could get a drunk in public when jogging with your dog?
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Life without a bra equals bliss.
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Randomize
