Have you ever noticed how boring internet porn is after you cum? I can't shut my computer fast enough.
i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue
Due to our sore throats we are now doing bong hits with cranberry juice to sooth it.
I'm drinking carlo rossi straight from the jug. I don't have any clean cups...how am I still at this point in my life...
As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN
I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment
i was talking to them for like 5 mins and they were like HEY LETS GET A PICTURE and tequila said it was good idea
I see your creepy poodle photo and raise you a shirtless elderly gentleman who looks like a yetti in cutoffs who may or may not have an ENORMOUS erection.
.... touche....
Snow days are when you really appreciate that your neighbor is on your bang roster.
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Ate his Chinese food and drank his beer and played with his chihuahua. All while wrapped in a towel while he was sleep.
You told his date she had the tits to be a stripper and the personality to be the pole. Of course he's pissed off.
My sinuses still burn from snorting red wine last night.
This is why I can't take dates to shows... I've literally made out with everyone in this band. And two of the guys in the crowd. And the bartender.
Hey this is your roommate. You know the one that let you have sex with her while you called out your exs name and cried?
I have no recollection of that. You must have the wrong number. P.s. your thongs still on the ceiling fan.
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