I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it
when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.
Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.
christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms
I'm gonna tie him up and fart in that pathetic excuse for a mustache
You talked the cab driver into taking a shot from your flask at a red light because "Ray Charles would want him to"
How do I ask where the Jello shot cups are at Walmart without sounding like white trash?
sweating bourbon at client mtg -- you?
Don't let me publish my memoir unless "hurt my ankle drunk irish dancing" is at least the title of a chapter because that is really the whole story of my life.
I'm 99% sure the Indians were high for thanksgiving and we should respect that by getting high too
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
Dude, you were so drunk you were hanging from the ceiling of my car pretending you were a sloth while we were on 81.
you were so drunk that when the mouse on your laptop didnt work anymore you decided to just take it into the bathroom and pee on it while laughing like a mad scientist.
I thought this boy told me to choke him, so I went all in. Turns out he really said “stroke.”
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