nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style
Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.
Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.
I always knew I'd be the first one with an STD
Your mom just threw up on me. Please come home.
Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone
You are the alcoholic guardian angel of raccoons
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
The only thought that went through my head was "that would be an absolute disaster" so of course I said yes
It was super embarrassing when I had to tell my brother, in front of my mother, that my wifi password was Drinkupbitches. Thanks for providing that lovely family moment.
My vagina is screaming your name . Wtf did you do to it
I woke up sick this morning, maybe sucking a random dudes finger at a bar last night wasn't that clean of an idea.....
THE COP WHO TOOK MY MUGSHOT LAST NIGHT JUST ADDED ME ON FACEBOOK
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
Randomize
