Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?
i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.
Long story short, the rash from your last birthday party told me not to go to this one.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?
My diabetic professor who apparently didn't eat anything all day keeps passing out. I gave him a joint. He's gonna be fine.
Saw a girl on a walk of shame bend down and look in a pizza box by a trash can to see if there was still a slice left. That's when you know
My dad slapped my ass the other day and say I was "doing the family name good". I feel...proud
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I just went on etsy and my personalized suggestions on the page were either kinky sex restraints or baby things. I feel like etsy just summarized my life.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
My mom has tinder, she is 45 and has her age setting at 18-29. And she still gets more matches than me
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize