i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.
didn't that happen to you last weekend?
shut up.
Why am I in a dog kennel?
It was for your own safety
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
The only way I can describe the noise he makes when he has an orgasm: dying walrus.
No you usually just ranted about the voicemail bitch until she cut you off again
She started telling me about this odd patch of smooth skin under her boobs. Not sure if she was hitting on me or looking for free advise from a doctor...
I mean, I still played with her tits for like 20min tho.
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
My fucking earlobe is bruised what the hell
I got so drunk that I peed my bed...and all over him. The ironic thing is that he slept in his swimming trunks.
so I think we need to change lawn care services...the guy woke me up by the pool while I was naked...told me he already picked up all the beer cans for us and gave me his number for the next time we party...
Its mothers day... Can my present be an orgasm...for once?
he had a bulletproof vest and a pocket full of lollipops! how was i suppose to say no.
These business classes have improved my drug business ten fold
Randomize
