Okay so if I'm going to keep referring to my hangover in the third person it needs a name.
woke up to an overdrawn credit card. did you order the dawsons creek boxset last night?
i hope so.
I drunkenly sent a picture of my scrotum to the entire baseball team last night
I keep finding coffee grounds in my vagina
Guy having heart attack in McDonalds. Classic.
Because you know it would be fucking amazing to get trashed and shatter the dreams of 12 year old girls. I might get a shirt.
i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I thought my dog was a polar bear. I kept asking how the north pole was this time of year.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I'm taking a pole dancing class this morning. Can I put you down as my emergency contact? I'm NOT putting my mother
So by "wait for me" do you think he meant "Don't have sex with random dentists?"
Conference sex doesn't count if the dentist doesn't know your name.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I promise I won't bug you anymore, I just need the following things at your convenience but preferably soon: my earrings, cup, and panties. Thanks. Good talk.
Randomize
