I just poured my flask into a drink. Then I realized the drink belonged to the guy next to me so I stole it from him. He confronted me and I made out with him to distract him. When I looked up, I realized his wife was watching. Its barely 10:00.
Party in the USA is so catchy!
Yea, so is AIDS.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.
Just filled the brita up in the bathtub because we couldn't get it into the sink.
Cute underage boy is in my house.
OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.
It's like you know you got fucjed up when you wake up and check fir your own pulse
So i stood up out of the sunroof while he gave me oral. Car was still moving. Exactly how illegal is that?
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
He brought me hungover chipotle knowing full well he wasn't getting a blow job. I think he may be too in love with me.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
I just watched a magician wearing a fedora deep throat a balloon\n
i woke up half naked on someone's pool lounge chair in a house that i don't know, with someone's phone number scrawled on my stomach. why do i hang out with you again??
You just listed two reasons.
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