nothing says platonic group sex like a campfire and smores
how does Santa get into Hogwarts?
whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want
Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times
They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.
That chick needs a catscan. And fuck it, we're still ordering in a stripper
you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.
I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....
I can't. I think his penis is about to take out a restraining order against me.
Is "sorry I booted you out mid-fuck last night" a good icebreaker?
When you put the phrases "just out of shower" and "did you get the picture" that close together, a picture of hamburger helper is not exactly what I expected to pop up.
Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.
Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?
dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
I just broke into my house with a butter knife. It kinda scares me just how easy that was.
Randomize
