apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.
I wish they made portable blow up dolls for girls.
It's called a dildo, genius. Go to sleep.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
I feel like everyone would be happy with that as a present too. "Oh you got me pussy for Christmas?! How'd you know?!"
I might come over. Something about you makes me matronly and I have this urge to nurse you back to health with soup and a blowjob
Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face
Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina
Just getting in the shower.... found a "great job" sticker stuck to my boob.
So how was your night?
You are like a vicious sex animal persistently seeking prey
Why are there so many fucking Lambchop puppets hidden around my house?!
just sex-dialed 911. that's 34 seconds of dignity i will never get back.
i don't think fitbit tracks "flipping the fuck out" as activity.
Apparently I had 2 bloody noses and after my sis put me to bed at the hotel, I escaped and my sister's friend found me in an elevator with some guy
I'm pretty sure the cop knew you were drunk when you tried to light your cigg with a chapstick.
Hypothetically speaking, if a girl asks you to fuck her wearing only your hockey helmet, is that socially acceptable?
Randomize
