Not only is chick snoring like a 48 year old man but she's farting in rhythm
I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.
Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.
my coworker just texted me asking if i remember pissing in the mop bucket at the gas station
We role played last night. I was Brandon Inge and she was some slut from Toledo. Let's just say Triple A might not be so disappointing after all.
This is love.
Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?
She keeps asking if I've seen him... For the last time YES... IN MY BED LAST FRIDAY NIGHT AND THEN AGAIN SATURDAY MORNING
THERE IS AN ENORMOUS FAT WOMAN EYEING MY FLIGHT'S GATE LIKE IT WOULD BE DELICIOUS TO EAT.
We're like adult pinky and the brain when they decided that taking over the world is unrealistic so they aim lower by trying to get drunk every day.
At what part of the night did you guys leave?
After my hot tub cannonball.
Fine line between drunken accidental sleepover with your best friend's lab partner and gay sexathon. I did a cartwheel over that line. A CARTWHEEL THAT LANDED IN HIS LAP
Just watched my first Christmas porn of the year. Def have the spirit now
I made out with a girl because I wanted to get in the VIP section of the bar because they have these big comfy couches. It worked.
leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things
So how do I tell him I've been sleeping with his wife too?
Randomize
