i cant believe u jumped in someones trunk just to get out of talking to me
I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.
Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.
I'm like 99% sure I made out with Kevin Spacey last night. Not good.
Halloween has nothing on dressing up as as the INS on cinco de mayo
If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.
Drunk lesbians having an argument about their realationship isn't as hot as I imagined.....
Its like bringing all that milkshake to the yard and I'm a diabetic and can't have any
I forgot that places existed where drinking on Sunday is frowned upon. It's just so unreasonable.
If I could sit on this toilet forever I would totally do that right now
Two guys I banged regularly got married this week. I need vodka.
Do you think I could use my teacher of month Award to get free drinks?
I'm just gonna back away slowly and come back when there's less weird crap.
You will be reminded everyday when you witness my majestic mustache.
I mean...if Marco gets pregnant, it is either the spawn of Satan or the second coming of Christ (neither of which I want in my life). So let's just hope that he doesn't grow a womb and that we don't have to consider either option.
Randomize
