Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.
I need to stop hooking up with boys in my major. three boys in one class is just a litttle too awkward.
He waited til after we had sex to tell me he had herpes... Ugh I hate being drunk
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?
ambylanc
what?
there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.
He just showed me how to break a chop stick with his ass.
That's how you know it was a good night if two months later you finally realized your skirt never made it home and you found out where it was.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Dude, fate has brought her to your penis.
Just ate Panda Express. Fortune cookie had no fortune in it. I actually prefer this. Less broken dream potential.
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
just because i'm not a monk anymore doesn't mean I need to tell you about my new sex life.
which is fantastic by the way.
I was sitting down, taking a piss with a boner, her cat walked into the bathroom and walked up to my legs, I sneezed and pissed all over her cat through between the toilet seat and bowl, it ran off screeching. She thought I peed on her cat on purpose. Kicked me out
I added our drug dealer to the quickbooks software babe, he is listed under vendor's as an expense category... money management is such a bitch...
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