woke up this morning with pubes superglued to my face, not my pubes
I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon
Some fat girl belted her graduation gown. That is not a good look for anyone.
Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.
i get of class at 4. it takes me 17 minutes to walk home and 3 to load a bowl. thank you, priority registration.
My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.
No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.
Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.
this is the first time i'm angry at someone with so much boobs. she like managed to break my glass and my phone with one glorious swing
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.
Woke up in a cemetery. Puked in front a funeral ceremony that was going on.
Can you please venmo me emergency money? i have no pants.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize