It only happened twice. Once we used extra virgin olive oil and once I used saliva and brute force.
So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married
What? They have three kids?
Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me
dude totally just got the jungle juice out of my white top. i am really ready to be a trophy wife.
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.
The bad decision stars are too close to aligning to risk this tonight.
I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.
Please don't mistake my med student status for responsibility. I'm drinking tequila while studying vascular surgery techniques.
If you don't let me come over I'm gonna call you on speaker and you have to listen to her scream and moan too
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
you can only text me tonight if its in drake lyrics. thats the rule
We had sex on his grandparents floor... the taxidermy deer was staring at me the whole time!
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
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