I just found a frying pan...in my bed.
Feel like bed is flying. Not sure where we're going. Hope there is candy.
I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room
They let you pick the name that they announce for you at graduation. The professional world needs to prepare itself for papa smurf mcdonald.
she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...
its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out
btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs
I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover
Seriously just told the plant the cheese Pringles are mine.
if becoming an adult is chugging a bottle of wine in your bed and crying about your stresses while your dog watches you, sign me up
Booty called 3 guys from my hospital bed
I was thinking we could get together and exchange gifts, and by gifts I mean orgasms.
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Man I gotta stop stashing shit when I'm high. I just spent 2 hours searching for my bag of pot and eventually found it in fucking a bandaid box.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Randomize
