Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
Hey you
You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
found some acid from a couple months ago while looking through christmas lights. Looks like santa came early this year.
Speaking of school, I've done the math and I get laid about 10 times more often than I did before I got my law degree. $100,000 well spent.
I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing
They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum
The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on
It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...
Thank you for calling me on to a higher level of debauchery. fuck anyone who says we aren't good for each other
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
You raged at the rock climbing place for not selling beer and then just said "fuck it" and pulled out a flask.
Oh you know..Chillin with your dad.
With a fannypack full of drugs.
I really hope you didn't eat the bowl of melted vanilla ice cream I left on the coffee table. Because it is not melted vanilla ice cream.
will a lunchtime blow job make it better?
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