Life lesson: if you fart while talking to a girl outside, the smell does not dissipate, it just lingers around mocking you
I could give you a full detailed description of 75% of the penises in that room
im just gonna turn drinking alone on new years into a tradition
I sold 10 pepperonis for 5 dollars last night....i fucking love drunk people
ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried
she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.
after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life
in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
Boys that pee in my bed don't get happy birthday wallposts on facebook
What is she getting? Last time we talked her behavior was conducive to getting a tramp stamp on her face.
I just had sex over my oven then high fived the guy. It's going to be a good year.
Why did I wake up to a snap chat of myself drinking beer out of a blender?
Dude, I'm thinking today is Single as Fuck Friday because that's how I'm feeling
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
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