No offense but you kinda look like a Jack Johnson fan in that pic
There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12
I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...
I love how understanding people are when they hear we first hooked up getting high and watching nature shows
I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.
Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.
Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?
I was walking around outside with a basket of eggs. I feel like little house on the prairie: hungover edition.
it was like fucking a Mumford & Sons song
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
gonna guess the empty vodka bottle and open can of tuna in the bathroom drawer are related?
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
The last time I was on vacation the pandemic blew up. Can't wait to see how my vacation fucks up the world this time.
hey i'm sure you are probably asleep bc you suck and think sleep is necessary to live or something?
Randomize
