God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.
It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.
Not including when spray tanning
My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore
I'M SO WET FOR FREEDOM
I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission
Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol
That's the fall semester you first snorted drugs off my ass I think
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
He just yells "mush!" as they're having sex.
So what's the protocol on sending your exes new wife a baby shower gift that says "thanks for getting him the hell out of my life, please keep him there!"?
dude, shes trippin so bad. idk what shes on, she just told me she doesnt remember her name then proceeded to get in the shower clothed to try to "rinse off the high"
Dear in laws. I am not spending any holidays with you. I dislike your company. A lot.
all i remember is walking home without my pants on... when i woke up i was sleeping in between my parents in their bed, no more whiskey wednesdays
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